i want to thank my friend with the compassion to give me shoes

i plan on burning cigarette holes in these but not before i do 1,000 kickflips indian file, drop a bucket of paint on them, use as flintstone foot breaks, play fetch with a dog, unclog a toilet, stomp a face, give as a cloth to a mechanic, a cup to spew in, use to collect a tincture of armpit sweat in, take a dirt nap with them on, and after all this, and the cigarette burns, cross paths with a murder suspect and trade shoes with him